Women on Fire® Podcast Presents...

lasting health, happiness, and romance (yes, even libido!). You can explore more about John on his website, which is packed with books, blogs, and free online workshops at MarsVenus.com.

While his core teachings remain timeless, John emphasises that relationships have evolved significantly in recent years, requiring fresh approaches.

He starts by helping individuals develop self-love, which strengthens self-esteem and trust. With that foundation, understanding your partner’s differences becomes easier, communication improves, and intimacy thrives.

John is always a captivating guest, and I’m sure you’ll love this episode!

Tip: I suggest listening to it more than once as John explores various pathways and you always pick up something new for both singles and couples.

He generally speaks to heterosexual people but there are some hormonal/nutritional aspects same-sex couples may find useful too.

Podcast Episode

Subscribe to the Women on Fire^® podcast here to listen on your favourite podcast platform.

In this episode, we talk about

• 01:04 Dr John Gray PhD (for more about John visit episode #107)
• 02:26 The biological difference between the sexes
• 04:00 Women in the workplace, home and stress
• 06:07 Libido, attraction, hormones and peri and post-menopause
• 09:50 Relationship skills in a complex world
• 11:30 Sex drive, hormones and gender
• 14:12 Biohack 1: protein and elevated cortisol (stress)
• 15:54 The committed relationship effect
• 18:18 Tradional gender roles
• 22.32 The masculine and the feminine
• 25:42 Interesting! Relationship statistics after a break-up
• 26:28 Estrogen & vulnerability
• 27:58 Biohack 2: estrogen and relationships in peri and post-menopause (for singles and couples)
• 30:00 What turns a man on?
• 33:55 Biohack 3: an exercise to raise estrogen and connect to a man
• 37:48 Muscle mass and metabolism
• 39:38 Singles: how to get a man in your life
• 49:48 Why you should avoid sex if you want commitment
• 52:09 Getting back on the relationship horse after a loss or a breakup
• 54:01 The importance of creating physical space apart
• 56:17 Additions and negative emotions
• 58:20 Nurturing beneficial estrogen
• 1:05:55 If you’re dating in midlife
• 1:08:15 Being in the feminine

Episode Resources:

• Episode #107 with John here
• Website: MarsVenus.com
• Follow John on Instagram here
• Follow John on Facebook here
• Free Relationship Course: https://www.marsvenus.com/gift
• John’s book – Beyond Mars and Venus: Relationship Skills For Our Complex Modern World
• Event – 50% off singles and couples relationship weekend

Video Version

Watch on YouTube here

Transcript

Jenna
Hello John and welcome to Women on Fire. Thanks for coming back to visit us. We’re so excited.

John Gray
Happy to be back.

Jenna
Thank you. Now, our audience are women in perimenopause, through to postmenopause, and what we hear a lot from them is loss of libido, or else they may not be that interested in their relationship anymore. They’re going through a lot of changes. And I know you have some amazing insights into that, particularly in your latest book, Beyond Mars and Venus.

John Gray
Yes.

Jenna
What is it, the relationship skills for our complex modern world. And that’s taking the fundamentals of your iconic Mars and Venus into the 21st century, isn’t it?

John Gray
Yes.

John Gray
Yes, it is. And also giving us a biological picture of the bottom line of why these differences exist because many people today are just not aware how different we are. And also the unique vulnerabilities of women when they’re expressing traditional male behaviors, like when women have been feeling the pressure of supporting themselves financially, raising a child without financial support from a man, for example. It took a man to help make the baby, but the man’s not there. It’s a massive stress, but even just there was research done on women in the workplace and measuring stress hormones. And they found that women’s stress hormones were twice as high in the workplace as men’s. And when women returned home, a woman’s stress levels would double.

Now the home should be a place where stress levels go down. know, some books have been written called the second shift. You know, her first shift, she’s at job and then she comes home as her second shift. And you know, the emphasis there is on, well, she needs to have a man who takes care of her in that second shift. But just as she’s taking, you know, how are you gonna find that man? And are you still gonna be attracted to him?

There’s a very humorous show in America of six women who talk called The View. So one of the women who is maybe would be considered the most attractive, we’ll put it that way.

They were talking, and they’re saying, how’s your relationship? And she says, I have the perfect husband, the perfect husband. And really, really, and they all like, what’s that like? And they’re all eager to hear. And she said, well, he’s like a perfect wife. You know, I have to get up early to come to work, to come in New York City. And then I get home around three and he’s taking care of the kids. He’s got dinner ready. He’s taking care of all the responsibilities in the home. I don’t have to do anything.

I just so happy, you know, he’s like the perfect, perfect wife. And then they’re all like excited for it. Wow, you’re so lucky. And then they said, and how’s your sex life? And she started laughing. We gave up sex after the third child. There’s no sex in this marriage. So she’s sold out on romance and that fulfillment in order to make money. That’s a choice people make. And clearly she seemed to be glad about it.

But most women, they say to me they wanna feel the attraction, the connection, the romantic feelings that they had when they were younger, that they had when they fell in love. And well, that’s all about finding the state of mind that you had when you were younger. And that state of mind was also being supported by a hormonal balance. Okay, so when you’re falling in love, your hormones change.

When you’re falling in love and you’re feeling attracted to a man, this is just what the research says, that when a woman is feeling attracted to a man, her estrogen levels are rising very high. So it’s generally the way to look at it is if a woman’s not stressed, her estrogen will go very high before ovulation. And there’s a function for that. Estrogen stores fat. So… she’s got to have extra fat in order to make the baby in case she makes the baby and then she can lose the fat afterwards estrogen tends to go down another hormone comes up progesterone now

What happens in menopause is that the ovaries are no longer making the estrogen. So then her estrogen levels drop and that causes a lot of havoc in her system unless her adrenal glands are functioning in a healthy way. So that’s called adrenal fatigue. All of, to a certain extent, all of the unhappy feelings of menopause – inability to sleep, mood swings, resentments build up, anger is there, divorce happens all the time around 49. You know, it’s a big divorce time. And even women that are not at that stage, but even perimenopause, you know, they’ve been divorced. If they’ve been divorced or they’re single at that time, they don’t have the advantages of a younger woman who automatically had high estrogen levels. Now why do younger women automatically have high estrogen levels?

And let me qualify, even though the ovaries don’t make estrogen after a while and menopause, your adrenal glands do. So your adrenal gland will pick up and make the estrogen. And as far as sex drive goes, sex drive is mainly a balance between estrogen and testosterone. So you’re not making much progesterone after menopause or during menopause, but estrogen is the key factor of shifting from depending upon the ovaries to make your estrogen to now depending on your adrenal gland. But if you haven’t, if you’ve been burning out your adrenal gland, you’re not going to have an easy time of it. So we want to focus on adrenal health in order to maintain your femininity as you get older. Cause naturally you’re going to have more testosterone in terms of the balance. Okay. There’s a balance there.

I know one woman, she has six children. She’s a bestselling author after her children had grown up and been through menopause. And she felt like, you know, going through menopause for her, she was like a teenager, a male teenager, you know, feeling like there’s so many things I can do. OK, so I think she called it, vocationally aroused. That was a great phrase. I’ve done my duties as a mother and I have a husband and this is my life. Now I’m ready to take on the world. And she did live till her nineties. So she wasn’t stressed out. We’ll put it that way. Today with this Beyond Mars Venus is the ideas I’m talking about today.

Relationship skills for today’s complex world. Complex because everything changes when women are making male hormones rather than primarily making female hormones. Okay, so the way it works is historically, and since we talk about menopause and women wanting to feel their libido, you mentioned libido. I lived for little while in the Amazon in the jungles in a tribe.

Jenna
Amazing.

John Gray
You know, to get there, you take a plane, land on a dirt field, get in a canoe, go for three hours down the Amazon, get on a path five hours through the jungle with two guides, translators. So you really, I make that whole story because isolated area and you’re there, I’m observing them, interacting with them. It’s a very different world they live in. The women do women things and men do men things and they don’t cross over.

Okay, just real clear. I’m not saying we should do that now, but just let’s understand the biology that we came from. And the outcome of that biology was a harmony between men and women that I don’t see happening here. And there wasn’t abuse going on and there was moans of sex in all the huts every night. Okay, so they’re experts at sex. The passion lasts for a lifetime for these people.

Jenna
Wow.

John Gray
It’s like eating food, you you have dinner, then you come home, take care of the kids, have sex. So we’d like to have a little bit more of that. Okay. And so where does that come from? And we get the basics and the basics are in our Western culture, we have this thing called the honeymoon period. And the honeymoon period can be three weeks to three years, so forth, where you get free hormones. Okay. A lot of testosterone for men, a lot of estrogen for women.

And that creates a lot of attraction between the two. What stimulates it though is the newness of the relationship. That’s why it’s gonna last forever, this free hormone. The newness stimulates dopamine. Most people are familiar with dopamine. It has to do with pleasure, it has to do with motivation, has to do with danger, has to do with novelty, and it has to do with sex. So novel sex will produce dopamine. That will always raise testosterone in a man.

And novelty for a woman will raise estrogen in her if she feels safe in the presence of this man. So there’s a factor there which is needing to feel safe. And it goes the other way, which is if a woman feels dangerous, she’s in a dangerous situation with a man, but she feels if she’s sexually available to him, he will protect her.

Then she will become very turned on as well. There’s psychological things here because you could be in a dangerous situation, but you can also, that’s actually when if somebody’s protecting you, you feel most safe. It’s a little paradoxical, but I mean, the only time I’ve ever experienced safety, felt safe as a man is when I was in danger and somebody protected me. And that was when I was in Russia and I had a bodyguard.

Jenna
Wow.

John Gray
And at a certain point I was in danger, but this guy’s six feet seven, know, this gigantic guy. And I went, wow, feeling safe is really great. This is what women must feel. Because to a certain extent, women are way more vulnerable biologically. And there’s a sense of need for protection that pervades their lives. Okay. Whereas men have a greater need to protect. Okay. Not that we don’t have our protection, but we don’t feel it as much.

Jenna
No!

John Gray
The biological reason for that is that men can’t make as much estrogen as women. Women are designed, designed, this is biological design, is to have 10 times more estrogen generally being produced than a man and men 10 times more testosterone than a woman generally. And why can we say that’s designed to be that way? Because if you find that a woman’s body is in a healthy state, that would be no elevated cortisol. Elevated cortisol. So we just define that’s what a stress state is in the body. Elevated cortisol. And you know this, but let me just say a few more about it, cause we’re looking at health, healthy state. That’s what we want to be healthy human beings. When you’re in a state of chronic elevated cortisol, your blood pressure goes up. When you’re in state of chronic cortisol, your immune system weakens. These are all proven factors. Your digestion almost stops.

And then you have a whole plethora of mental illness of dementia and Parkinson’s and anxiety, neurosis and depression. All of those mental states are produced as a result of not being able to digest protein. See, when you digest protein, you break a protein down like a walnut, you walnut, you break the shell and inside is the nut. Well, when you break down protein with a healthy digestive system,

What you get is amino acids. And these amino acids are the building blocks of your body. They also make protein. So your body can’t just utilize protein, has to break it down into amino acids and then combine it into all kinds of proteins. And to make dopamine in your brain, to make serotonin in your brain, to make GABA in your brain, all these feel good brain chemicals, motivating chemicals, digestion, all these things occur because you have amino acids.

But when you’re in a state of cortisol, you can’t break down protein. Now I was in this, I want to get people a foundation for this and we’ll get to the simple solutions. All right, but you have to know where you have to go because the solutions are not that easy, are kind of triggering. I’ll just say what they are now. For a man, first of all, one of the things that can raise a woman’s estrogen at any age is a man who can provide the emotional support you need.

That would be commitment. He’s there for you, for life. There’s no like leaving. This is the most important thing. When a man is committed to you, his body makes a specific hormone called prolactin. Prolactin communicates with your body and says that you’re safe and you can depend on him and your estrogen levels will go higher. That’s commitment. So if you don’t have commitment, you’re already not gonna be making enough hormones.

Now there’s a flip side to this with so much divorce going around. There’s a pressure on women to be desirable. So just that pressure to be desirable is cortisol producing. Just to know you’re living in a culture where people with the flip of a coin get divorced. It’s a common, common. And so it used to be you couldn’t get divorced without having to humiliate yourself. And ironically, that had a good effect on your body. You look at, now we’re just looking at data here without my opinion, I have interpretation of course, but it’s pretty clear cut. The data shows that married couples, couples that stay married, as long as they’re staying married, they live longer and they have less disease. And then people will say to me, well, that’s probably just the happy couples.

I go, and that’s all couples. There’s a certain level of happiness that everybody has if you’re in a committed relationship. Just being committed as a man, you’re making this hormone called prolactin that signals to a woman that she’s safe through thick and thin. Okay. Now it doesn’t mean you’re gonna have a great sex life or whatever. That’s the really happy couple. So we’re gonna get to that. But just as a big boost to that estrogen production in a woman is first feeling safe, then you can depend on your partner.

Jenna
Yeah.

John Gray
At least through thick and thin, they’re gonna be there. The tendency of feeling I can depend on my partner for something meaningful will raise your estrogen. I’m depending. And most women, as they’ve gotten older, their competence increases. And the more competent you are, the less competent men appear to be. Simple as that. Okay.

So the more confident you are, the less you’re going to depend on men. And so therefore you’re going to feel as easier for me to do it myself. A simple example of doing the dishes. I did a study once, some company hired me to do a study on men and housework. And when it comes to washing dishes, what interesting conclusions by the way, if a man makes a lot of money, his tendency to do housework is less. If a man makes less money, his tendency to do housework is more.

And that’s almost guaranteed. There is a sense of justice inside of men, which women don’t always see. But if you’re an alpha male and you make a lot of money, you don’t do that stuff. You just don’t do it. And you can hire someone to do it. And now I’m an alpha male and I do that stuff. Now, the reason I do that stuff is because I’ve learned that when men do things for women, little things around the house and helping out, fulfilling her needs to make her life easier on a personal level, that’s foreplay for great sex. So there’s a dynamic there that men don’t understand. Men think bigger is better. Now, in some situations, bigger is better. Like if I sell more books, I’m gonna make more money. If I sell less books, I get less recognition, less affirmation, less money. Okay, so bigger is better. And every man knows that.

So now if you made a lot of money or you’ve achieved some success or you worked really hard, that’s also bigger. I put forth a lot of effort. Then that should be enough to make her happy. And to great extent in that Amazon tribe, it did make women happy. He did his thing so she could do her thing, which was gardening, taking care of the kids, taking care of the home, socializing, social bonding while the men are all in the jungle. And women aren’t allowed in the jungle because they don’t want to go in the jungle because that’s where you die. Okay. We want to keep the women alive.

Alright, so it was all done out of respect for women.

Jenna
Interesting.

John Gray
Yeah, I mean, this whole idea of roles, if you could actually go back in time, as if there was a conversation where men said, look, we just want to have sex with you. What does it take? We’ll do anything you don’t want to do. We’ll do it for you. So the women said, I don’t want to die in the jungle. I don’t want to stay out in the cold. I don’t want an uncomfortable life. I don’t want to do the dirty things. I want to spend time with my family and I want to eat delicious food and I want a beautiful environment to live in. So men said, okay, it’s yours.

You get that? I’ll do the other stuff. But now women decided, well, we want to do the other stuff too. And there’s reasons for that as well. You get more respect in our dysfunctional society. You just have to make money and you can even cheat people and make money and you’ll still get respect. You can carry a gun around, threaten people and you’ll get respect. Okay, do what that person says. That’s what respect is. So we sort of lost it. And further losing it for women, they went, we want respect because women need respect more than men.

Even if this is a confusing thing, to respect someone is to honor their wishes and needs, uphold them. It’s actually a verb, to respect. To appreciate someone is to respond to what they did for you. But to respect is to do for them. How do I treat you? To respect you, I want to be here on time. To respect the next person I’m interviewing, I want to finish on time. So I’m respecting them. I’m honoring them.

To be a good citizen, I need to go and vote. I’m respecting that. That’s my duty. To be having your duty is to respect someone. So women have been missing respect. Men got it for having money. That’s something that women want, to be men. They want to get their respect, which is not respecting femininity at all. It’s a paradox. It’s ironic. To get respect, I have to stop respecting myself as a woman.

Jenna
It is.

John Gray
And I’m going to do it all myself rather than learn how to ask for help. Well, I went off on that little rant just to make the point that women today for a variety of reasons have gone over to their male side. Another big reason was birth control. Real simple, before birth control, a woman had a boundary that men had to respect. I don’t get to have sex with you until I do X, Y, Z. So women had all the power. See, the guy with the gun has got the power. Well, women had the female power.

You wanna have sex with me? Because see, for men, sex is the only way we really can feel the higher levels of love. See, when we’re turned on, what’s happening in our body is our female hormones are going up along with our male hormones. Testosterone goes up and also estrogen goes up. A man can’t have an erection unless his estrogen goes up higher. His testosterone, yeah, that’s why women turn us on.

Estrogen has to go up, then he can have erection, but his testosterone had to rise in your presence along with estrogen. So what does that mean? That’s love and appreciation. It’s also respect. Okay, I’m going to honor you. So once women had no justification on a logical level, well, why can’t we have sex? Well, the reason you can’t have sex with somebody unless you want to marry them is because you can make babies.

It’s a consequence. Sex has massive consequences. And suddenly when you have birth control, you take away the consequences. And now you free women up to, we can be wild like men. We can just have sex and we can have sex. And then they wonder why they don’t love men. Because they haven’t given men the opportunity to give women respect. And yes, a woman can go to her male side. She becomes just like a man, except that she’s not happy. If I can be masculine, meaning

Jenna
Right, Yes.

John Gray
I mean, I’m very happy man. I’m an alpha. My testosterone levels are 50 % higher than when I was a young man. And yeah, it’s unique. And I have a sex life better than when I was a young man. I mean, all these things are inherent in our potential as men. And you know, it’s also I’m successful, okay? But if I worked hard for that success, men who are successful that didn’t work hard don’t have high testosterone levels. They can’t commit.

Jenna
Wow.

John Gray
That was called playboys. You playboys were men who just were born with status and money. It all came to them easily. They didn’t have to earn it. When a man doesn’t have to earn it, it’s not that it has to be this way, but most commonly he doesn’t respect anybody. He just indulges in what he wants because he didn’t have to earn it. So there’s a place of growing. You know, if I want muscles, I have to lift heavy weights. You know, if I lift heavier weights, I’ll get bigger muscles. I don’t care that much about muscles. Mine is more integrity.

My integrity is treating people with respect, treating my wife with respect and serving the world in selfless way I can. You know, this is, we all have our value systems and a man has to set his values and live by those and work hard. And when he does that, it produces testosterone. When that testosterone goes high enough, he will be really horny and want to come to his female side. And he comes to his female side through making love. So that’s a man going to his female side.

So this is why you look at statistics. And again, statistics are averages, it’s not everybody. But when a man divorces, he’s already married within three years. He’s already having sex with people soon after. And a woman kind of goes, what? Am I just chop meat? You could just go from me to somebody else? Absolutely. Because men depend on sex or depend on women in order to open our hearts. More so, women can be with their children.

Jenna
Yes.

John Gray
Women statistically take nine years if they get married again. And again, you’ve got all things against you if you’re going through menopause and you’re stressed out, you’re not making enough estrogen. It takes a certain amount of estrogen to feel a man is good enough. There’s a feeling that, women in their 40s, you know, they’re dating men, that he has all these good qualities, but he just, doesn’t have that excitement, you know, it’s just like, I can’t feel in love, I can’t feel in love. So she’s waiting for a man to help her to feel in love. And yes, a man can help you to feel in love. But what blocks do you have to feeling, letting your estrogen go up? And that’s called vulnerability. So I wanna show you what vulnerability looks like. A lot of books on vulnerability and everything is that words can mean different things to different people. A woman in her 40s and 50s and 60s, she wants to feel like she felt when she fell in love the first time.

Attracted to a man, in touch with her feelings, openness, feeling safe, excited, in love, kind of dreamy. Okay, when you’ve been jaded by life, it’s hard to get there. One disappointment, another disappointment, another disappointment. Because see, what’s allowing you to, on a biological level, that good feeling is just your estrogen levels went really high. Your estrogen levels go really high when you feel, can trust, I can depend.

Jenna
Yes.

John Gray
But once you’ve been ripped off several times, you go, that’s too painful to trust and then lose it. Too painful to trust and lose it. So there’s that psychological element to it. But let’s put that to the side and come back to when you can trust what’s happening in your body, your estrogen levels are going to go high. So let’s try to biohack estrogen for women who are going through menopause and after menopause and perimenopause. talking about your feelings, is one of the most…. well now I’m going to follow on what I was just going to say. So just as this is our goal to have the feelings you had when you were younger. Now, imagine you’re falling in love with a guy and before disappointment set in, before cheating set in, before violence set in, whatever it might have been that threw life into the gutter. Okay, so you’re back to when you’re hopeful and you’re inspired and you’re having heart open.

What are you feeling inside? What you’re feeling inside is with a man. Does he like me? Does he think I’m pretty? Does he love me? Does he want to marry me? Is he committed just to me? Am I special? Does he want me more than anybody else? Is he happy? Is he excited that we’re together? Does he want to be with me for a lifetime? Okay, these are all the feelings. Those are the feelings that you have that will produce huge amounts of estrogen. So what I do with my couples, and I know that we’re talking to a lot of single women here, but this is you’re going to get into a relationship after you hear me talk for a while, because you’re going to know, I have new skills and I can awaken those feelings. You can’t start out having those feelings. No man’s going to come along and you’re going to have those feelings. And if suddenly a man comes along and you have those feelings after 40 years old, usually it’s the wrong guy. Okay.

There’s other reasons for that. You have to have, you have to be in touch with what’s holding you back, which is why you don’t have a relationship now. And what’s holding you back is that you don’t let yourself feel those feelings of, need a man to think I’m beautiful. And getting older, you might be so judgmental in your body. I have wrinkles on my face, it’s sagging, I’ve gained weight, whatever it might be that you’ve got, why would a man deeply fall in love with me, so women can be very critical of themselves. A note on that is when a man’s turned on, you’re perfect. When a man’s not turned on, well, you know, there’s issues here, but, but if a man’s turned on to you, you just have to know he doesn’t see any flaws and don’t point them out when he’s turned on. Okay. Just that, that’s just that little extra wisdom there. I remember my wife turned 40 and she had cellulite. I never saw it before.

I mean, she was like, do you see this? Do you see this? No, I love you. And then I let it go. But occasionally I go, she doesn’t have cellulite. So what? It’s the love. It’s what men are turned on to as feminine energy. Feminine energy. His estrogen levels go up along with testosterone. Testosterone goes up because she’s interested in having sex with him. If a woman’s interested in having sex with you, they’re getting a green light.

Then you’re king. This is the biology of men is that when a female, if we consider that we have a monkey like brain and a monkey tribe, many monkey tribes, there’s the alpha monkey, his testosterone when you measure it is twice what all the other monkeys are 50 % higher, something like that is higher. And then when he dies or someone kills him, whoever has killed him or whoever becomes the new leader of the tribe, just having the status of the leader, your testosterone levels double. Okay, they shoot up. The status does it. And what proves, what affirms status is now all the females are attracted to you. And so the male gets all the women. I was climbing some mountain in Africa and out of the bush, I did have a guide, this was expected, but out of the bush, a silverback gorilla comes out of the bush.

Okay, they just appear right out of nowhere out of the bush. The head is, you can’t see how wide my arms are, but it’s six feet, seemed like his head was five feet wide. Okay, gigantic. This is the biggest gorilla. And he sat down right in front of me. I wasn’t comfortable. And the guy said he’d never seen this, but what he’d seen was the gorillas will come nearby. They don’t see you. You’re not a threat to them. So they notice you. So we get to watch. He says, first time he saw the gorilla have sex.

Jenna
Goodness.

John Gray
There I am the sex expert. For some reason, maybe I can tell this story. There was, you know, the little female gorillas, one came up and had sex with him and she was just purring next to him and he was not doing much at all. And then with three thrusts, one, two, three, just saw his whole body just move like that. Then he passes out.

That’s gorillas sex. I wanted to write a book called Gorilla Sex just to that story. And that’s how they have sex. It’s it’s nothing. And this is the male side of us. It just is done so quickly. And what we have to learn is how to build up a woman’s energy and how to maintain our attraction to her for a long time during the making love process, which a lot of women, by the time they get to this time where they need that attention even more, they don’t have a lover who can do that. So that’s the direction we want to go to. But you’re not going to have a man who can go there or even feel those feelings for you, his desire for you, if you’re not feeling that vulnerable part of you. So know that that’s exercise that I just described. It’s called the reassurance exercise. That when you do have a man commit to you, which won’t be too long after you hear these ideas, make sure you have time, then what you do is, you say, this is an exercise I do to raise my estrogen. I’m just gonna ask these questions and you’re gonna follow the script. And the questions are, do you like me? Yes. Do you love me? Yes. How much do you love me? With all my heart. Am I the only one for you? Yes, you’re the only one for me. Do you think I’m beautiful? I think you’re so beautiful. Are you happy to be with me? I’m so happy to be with you. You’re sure I’m the one for you? Nobody else? You’re number one for me. That’s it.

They can be different variations of that. Because this is what a man feels when he’s turned on to you. You just have to give words to it. But this is arousal inside of a man of those answers. All those answers and they build just like women need foreplay in sex. Just takes a very short period of time for men to connect. Find those feelings inside. Now I know you don’t, for some women they don’t have that. If you do have a man in your life, this is something they do every day. This is one of my love biohacks that are not in this book. So that’s why I feel like I have to always tell that one because that came later after writing the book. It’s so fantastic. And then when you are making love, you do it while you’re making love several times. Each time you do it, your estrogen goes higher and higher and higher. It’s simply, because see, the higher your estrogen levels go, the more vulnerable you become. And actually, if you were to take a woman who has asteria, extremely insecure woman having hysterical attack, everything, I can’t handle it. That was a disease in the past called hysteria, where one becomes hysterical. And it was only the wealthy women that had it. Because in ancient times, otherwise women didn’t have that. They were working in the fields, had kids. See, it’s when you only have estrogen and no testosterone, you will have anxiety. So you’ll see kept women are that way.

Throughout time, there’s always been this stigma of women can’t make decisions because wealthy men, part of their status was they wanted to, and part of a woman’s status as well, that I don’t do anything for myself. Other people do things for me. Someone combs your hair, they shop, they dress you, they do all kinds of things. Okay, so this is no responsibilities, whereas other people do for you, treating you like a child basically, but you also order everybody around, you’re not doing yourself. So when a woman is in that situation, her vulnerability is that her estrogen goes too high because she becomes dependent on everyone outside herself. That’s what produces estrogen is depending on others. The obstacle to estrogen production is I’m smarter than everybody else, so I can’t depend on anybody. So this is your challenge as women is that you get smarter.

And you know, the old thing is like the girl in high school, if you want the boys to like you, don’t appear to be smarter than them. Now, I’m not saying you can’t be smarter than a man. What I’m saying is that reason that was true to some extent is that men need to feel they have something to offer you of value. So if you’re smarter than them, you’re like offering them advice all the time. You can’t offer a man advice, even if you can see he can do it. I could save him so much energy and effort and whatever.

And when I was talking about that thing about men with doing housework, the point I was going to get to is this one. Is that what we found out in the study is that when women said that my husband does do the dishes, there was always a caveat, which is I have to go back and clean them again.

Jenna
haha.

John Gray
Really, this is what came out. You don’t even bother asking me. That’s a lousy job. So the point here is that with greater competence, you see how flawed men are. And when you see men as flawed, you can’t fall in love with them. You’re more like a mother to them if you get close to them, or you certainly can’t feel I can depend on them. So what can you depend on a man for? This is our menopausal woman, what you need to… to help your body make more estrogen. And I have to look at it physically as well. There’s a physical thing you have to do, which is you have to raise your metabolism, put it that way. Your metabolism is going slow as you get older as well. Women are, by the time they’re 80 or by anybody, the statistics in America are one out of two people who live beyond 80, which is happening way more now, will have dementia. And 80 % of the people with dementia are women.

Jenna
Mm.

John Gray
And this book’s written on this now, which is very important to have a metabolism. Metabolism is muscle mass. It comes from muscle mass. And so we all lose muscle mass as we get older. Just men start out with more muscle mass. So we don’t lose it as fast. But you have to bulk up, but you have to maintain your healthy muscle mass that you were born with. Every woman has her own unique body type or whatever.

When you lose that, you lose your metabolism, you lose your metabolism, everything is more stressful to do. One of my friends, she’s a famous author and everything, and she’s a bit older, I’m in my 70s, she’s later 70s, and she says, yeah, I gotta drag myself to the gym to keep this body working. No energy, no energy to do that. If you don’t have energy to do that, you don’t have energy for sex. It requires more energy.

Jenna
Yeah. Yeah.

John Gray
And energy comes from metabolism and metabolism comes from muscles. So we’re going to get to that, how to raise your metabolism. So don’t let me forget that. that’s just one app. That’s the physical part of it, equally important, if not more important. But if you get to do one, then the other one’s just as important. OK, so you have to do both body and emotions, body and heart, mind, all that.

So talking about your feelings, you need to soften up to where you’re actually feeling, really miss having a man in my life. And I give myself moments that they’re really sad that I don’t. And you make lists of why do I need a man in my life? You need to be aware of why do I need a man in my life? I was able to open this up to that. I do it again. I actually want to put the thing the other day, I wanted to find it and I found it right away and I found it again. This is one of my books called Why Mars and Venus Collide.

And in here, one of the things women will say so much, single women, is why do I need a man? If you don’t need a man, he’s not interested in you at all. Pheromones talk. We have a smell when you’re feeling feminine energy. estrogen says I need help. That’s what every romantic novel is. The woman has a swashbuckling pirate. There’s some danger, but he’ll protect you.

He’s a millionaire. He’s got money to provide for you. He’s got charm, you know, he’s famous and he can take care of you. it’s there’s something about feeling I can depend on a man for something of value for me, whether it be status or food or survival or emotional fulfillment, soul connection, personal growth. There has to be a reason why I need a man. I can want a man in my life.

And that’s your male side. Like I want to make money. I want a man in my life. I want somebody in my house. I want this, but now what’s behind the, want, why do I want it? Cause I need. So it’s to connect with that part of you. So here’s a little chart, is, women are under so much stress today that they’re simply unable to feel their needs. Under stress, women tend to reach out and feel the needs of others rather than their own.

With a little time and exploration, these strong and independent women discover and can admit to a variety of needs most commonly, and I’ll list them. They’re good. These are all your estrogen stimulating reasons why you need a man. She needs a man for romantic companionship. I want to feel in love. It’s a big thing. I want to feel in love. So what’s keeping your feeling in love? Me being vulnerable. That’s the key factor. I have to learn to be vulnerable.

One of the ways to be vulnerable, which is to explore in your private moments and then with a man, but in your private moments is fine or with a therapist as well, is what your feelings of frustration, feelings of disappointment. I was just with my client today. She’s, you know, she’s hopelessly single. She’s been married twice, all her friends. I had to just process her emotions. Okay, let’s talk about your frustrations. I’m frustrated because…

All my friends are married and I’m not. I show up single all the time. I’m frustrated because I’m always celebrating other people’s happiness and success, but what about me? And then very quickly that turns into, I’m so disappointed. I’ll ask her, and so talk about your disappointments. And to be able to explore, these are sort of hidden in the crevices of independent, competent women don’t feel those deep insecurities. So I’m also feeling disappointed. And it’s just sort of checking in, like getting a physical massage. You just massage for a while different parts of your body. You can do this in therapy. You can do it through journaling, writing out the different frustrations you’re having, the disappointments you’re feeling, what you’re afraid of. And of course, I’m afraid I’ll never find love. It never works for me. I was married twice. I’m jinxed. It’s too late for me. All the men are taken. See, this goes on inside. And so what do you do with that? We’re afraid to even listen to that part of us, but that’s, that’s the dialogue that’s going on. So you connect it to the emotion. And every time you feel emotions, what happens, whether they be positive emotions or negative emotions, estrogen levels go up. What happens by doing an emotional exploration and always being disciplined to go and afterwards, I feel embarrassed. I feel embarrassed when I go places and I’m all alone and I don’t want to be alone. It’s like, what’s wrong with me? I feel embarrassed to talk to my mother, that I’m feeling lonely, whatever it might be.

Jenna
Mm.

John Gray
Explore these vulnerable emotions and then I’m angry then let yourself be angry and I’m sad I’m hurt. I’m afraid see anytime you have those negative emotions You are making estrogen but then always what you want to do is As you estrogen levels go up then reconnect with your positive side. Okay, so what I what I’m Grateful for what I’m happy about what I realize now is I understand that and then you resolve and come back to being happy again.

Okay, so it’s learning, it’s like a circle, starting out with a negative, coming back to the positive will increase your estrogen levels. That’s called, it will soften you, make you more vulnerable. And then you just put, admit vulnerability, you know, which is that you don’t have it all together, you’re not perfect. Men don’t want a woman who’s all together. Women want a man who’s all together. And then they get, and then what they do is they suck out of a man, the part of him that’s not all together.

Jenna
Yeah.

John Gray
Because let’s say he suddenly becomes a little detached. She says, what are you feeling? Tell me what you’re feeling and what’s the matter? What’s the problem? Don’t ask a man what he’s feeling ever. Unless unless you’re saying, do you love me? Do you like me? Am I beautiful? That’s ask. Those are the feelings you’re needing to hear. But when a man starts talking about what he’s frustrated about, what he’s afraid of, what he’s sad about, he’s gloomy about all that does.

Same thing in a woman’s body, it will raise estrogen. But do men need that much estrogen? No, unless their testosterone is super high. But anytime a man has negative emotions, it means already his estrogen’s too high, his testosterone’s too low. People associate men’s anger with high testosterone. No, it’s a high testosterone man because we all have 10 times more than women, at least, sometimes 20 times more. But as soon as we feel powerless or out of control of situation, where we can achieve a goal. If we’re feeling powerless, our testosterone goes down and our estrogen levels shoot up and that causes anger in men. That causes all the arguments as men feeling insecure. But you can’t say that to a man because he doesn’t know it. He’ll just get more angry. But you have to know that the last thing you want is for a man to talk about his feelings and yet women sabotage their relationships completely.

Jenna
All right.

John Gray
And never go into counseling where you have a therapist asking a man how he feels. Already it’s a disaster. This is like, psychology has led us in the wrong direction. What men need is strategy. They need to solve problems. They need to fix things. So I just found out just today, a bomb dropped on me, a financial thing. I started a business. I need a loan to get the business started. And they turned me down on loan. I could not believe it. I have all these assets and everything.

And I’m depending upon that. So if I start talking about my feelings, I’ll just be depressed. I have to strategize. Now what’s my next solution? And I’ll find a solution. I’m a can -do guy. Can do. Don’t whine. Don’t complain. Now we’re teaching a bunch of whiners. Mother’s asking little boys, how you feel? What else do you feel? Little girls, that’s fine because it makes the estrogen. Little boys after 13 do not need to be talking about their emotions.

They have a lot of estrogen. They need estrogen for the brain development up to about 13. First two years, they have 10 times more testosterone. Then it drops. Then there’s estrogen for them to experience social bonding. Once the social bonding is achieved, at 13, now sexual bonding occurs, his testosterone increases 10 times. There’s stages of life that we go through. We’re talking about menopause. Stage of life you go through. But if you didn’t do the previous stages correctly, you’re having trouble right now, because your adrenal gland is burnt out. So you have to do something to help your adrenal gland. Well, what will help your adrenal gland more than anything is amino acids. You can buy expensive amino acid drips, or you can actually eat directly amino acids. I’ll get to that. It’s amazing discoveries. But let’s go down what women need men for. One is, I want romantic companionship. My gosh, it’s just so good.

Jenna
Okay.

John Gray
Just so good. She needs a man to be faithful, a committed man who’s by her side, regardless of what. A man who doesn’t whine and complain, a man who doesn’t get angry. And you can train a man not to get angry so easily. These are the skills. If a man’s angry, just say, we can talk about this later and walk out of the room. You have to have breaks. Never talk to a man if he’s frustrated or angry. And he has to learn how to hold it in, how to suck it up. See.

That’s like some kind of child abuser to say, men suck it up. Don’t get angry. If you’re angry and you can’t control it, at least don’t talk and then go out and do something to raise your testosterone. Do something requires muscles that requires strategy. You’re a pleasure, my hobby. Go play golf. That’s why all alpha men are not all play golf. OK, golfers and they don’t want their wives there. They have their guys. They do guy talk with guys and they hit the ball and they go to a hole and and they process their emotions by feeling frustrated about something, this doesn’t cause stress because unless you’re betting, unless it’s your job to win a competition, there’s no stress. It’s just this personal stress of frustration or disappointment or, gosh, I’m losing concern, embarrassment. These are all emotions men need to feel, but suck it up and don’t talk about. What women need to do is feel those emotions and talk about them. So that’s in my books. I give women how to process your emotions.

And so you need a man, so you don’t have sex until the man’s committed to you. That’s a basic rule. You’re the playboy, sex is not gonna keep him. You gotta hold him off a little bit. I was just doing an interview with a woman who caught a fish, you know, a guy who I admire, he’s a good friend of mine. He’s an alpha, he’s a highly successful man and etc, in the same field. So she has great admiration for him. He had all these girlfriends. She said, I’ll be your friend, but I’m not gonna have sex with you.

He really liked her, but she held out for eight months until he said, okay, I’ll get rid of all the other girls to be with you. You you can’t, it can’t be easy. And now she needs a man for simple companionship. Absolutely. She doesn’t want to come home to a big, beautiful, empty house or apartment. You want a partner. You want someone to share your life with. But when you have a picture of, men are sloppy or messy or they don’t do this, they don’t do this. That’s cause you didn’t know how to manage a man.

You manage a man by asking for help and learning how to do that. These are new skills you have to have. For those indigenous women, they didn’t have to ask their men for anything. Culture taught them, this is what you do. Our culture doesn’t teach women how to ask and our culture doesn’t teach men how to adapt to the new woman who needs more estrogen. Those Indian women, they’re all full of estrogen, orgasmic, amazing. So she needs a man for financial backup. Even if she’s making money.

Jenna
Amazing.

John Gray
It’s such an estrogen producer to know that if you couldn’t make money, your partner would be able to. That’s very important. Maybe you have to lower your lifestyle, but you’re not going to be the woman’s greatest fear of becoming a bag woman. You don’t want to be that on the street. She needs a man around because she feels safer. Two people are twice as good as one. Absolutely. Somebody’s got to call the police.

Jenna
Yeah

John Gray
He needs to have a partner to share fun times with. The whole point of, I was asking my wife, my wife is 32 years has passed. I’m remarried now. I’m having a great time now. I went through two years of despair and gloom and wanting to kill myself. Can’t live without my wife. But I learned how to process all of that. And now I’m happy again. Have great life. Everything’s moving along. Yeah, I mean.

We all should be getting back. You know, when the child falls off the horse, you get back on right away. Because the way the emotions work is that if you let your fear of failure or loss hold you back, you’re making the fear more real. And the more the fear becomes real, the less you take action. So it just stops you. And because women have more estrogen, they have more emotion. It’s easier for them to go into, can’t trust myself. See, the big part of this is I thought I was going to get everything I needed and now my partner disappointed me. So how can I trust myself? And if I can’t trust myself, how can I trust men? So trust is a big issue. So what I suggest for all single women, you want to build your estrogen up. You go on dates without the expectation of the perfect person. You just want to use a man. Use a man. Men are tools to be used. And you don’t owe him anything. Men are hungry to be in the presence of a happy woman.

Jenna
Yes.

John Gray
Just another, there was a study done on a man’s testosterone shoots up, his well -being increases three minutes in the presence of a happy woman. Not talking sexual, just to be able to help a woman. So many women by the time they’re 40, 50, I don’t need any help, don’t need any help, you know, it’s like there’s no honey, the bees don’t fly to you, there’s no pollen, okay. You’ve got to put out the message that you need a man. And so this is kind of awareness of just increasing that awareness. She needs to a partner of fun times with, yeah, my partner was saying, you know, we have sex quite a bit, but we’re also in that first three years. But boys are nice. And like I really want to have sex. What she wants is when she’s happy, she wants to share that happiness with me. She wants to connect. It’s a different, women are a different creature from men, clearly.

Jenna
Different.

John Gray
She needs to have a partner to share fun times with. She needs a partner to share with who cares about her well -being. I worry about her, I think about her, I want her to live a long, healthy life. I don’t want her to die either. She needs a partner who misses her when he is away. Yeah, she needs to feel valued and missed. And the thing about men is we don’t miss you until a certain amount of time away. So some couples stop having passion just because men don’t go to work away from their wives.

We literally have to be out of the energetic field of a woman. And then our body says, I need feminine energy. But if he’s got feminine energy all the time, he doesn’t feel I need feminine energy. And that can actually push his testosterone down and he becomes lazy. Have to send him away. And if he won’t go away, then you have to go away. It’s a great physical space where your partner’s away from you.

Jenna
Hmm.

Jenna
That’s that classic retirement thing.

John Gray
It’s a death. Death is, you know, retirement has been shown to be death to men. Within three years, they have a heart attack because see, with retirement, you’re doing more what you like to do. That’s estrogen producing rather than doing what you have to do, which is testosterone producing. And, know, I’m in a sense retired, but I’m doing the same stuff I used to. I just don’t have to do it. But the have to, as I said, I would do this. And so I can’t just decide I’m going to have ice cream today rather than have this interview with you.

Jenna
Right.

John Gray (52:58.649)
I have an integrity. I have assistants who fill up my schedule with all this stuff I have to do. Because if I don’t have to do stuff, then I’ll just do what I like to do. And too much of what I like means too much estrogen. And by that liking, I think it’s so funny that our president is all about his ice cream. Because when I turned 70 in my 70s, I started liking ice cream as well, more so. I don’t have to, yes, it’s about ice cream is a big estrogen producer, okay. When you eat ice cream, it tastes so good and you feel so much. Because as we get older, we lose our muscle mass. And if we don’t have our muscle mass, we tend to sort of go too far to our female side. And this is once again, loss of muscle mass. Think dementia, think all of your hormone imbalances, is we wanna keep our muscle mass, but you don’t have to go to the gym necessarily. Some body types do, some just need to walk, but you need metabolism.

And what happens as, well, one of the big estrogen producers, so you get relief if you’re a woman, is eating. Remember, anytime you depend on something outside yourself for happiness, you’re gonna make estrogen. So when you’re depending on food, your estrogen goes up and your brain goes, I’m depending on food to be happy. So my estrogen goes up and now food becomes an addiction. Also worrying can be an addiction. Complaining can be an addiction, because all those things produce estrogen.

Because it’s what you feel expressing what you feel negative or positive will produce estrogen now where it becomes most addictive You know sharing negative emotions becomes only becomes addictive in my experience and helping people is when you’re sharing either with the intent to change somebody or the intent to have someone get closer to you and Mainly for you to share

what you’re experiencing to feel a sense of closeness. So if you’re sharing to feel closeness, connection, that produces estrogen. If you share to affect someone to change their behavior, like, feel so hurt, you said that to me, you did that to me. Now you’re sharing feelings from the point of view of getting what you want. Now you become more addicted to feeling hurt whenever you possibly can. And the primitive emotions of worry and hurt and… anger, these can be very addictive, okay, because you use them to get what you want. So never use negative emotion to get what you want, but use negative emotion to raise your estrogen to feel connected. That’s certainly fine to do.

Jenna
When you say raise estrogen, one of the hallmarks of menopause is a lowering or, you know, leaving the ovarian building as we talked about. So how will this raise the other type of estrogen, the estrogen that comes into being post-menopause?

John Gray
Well, without getting too complicated in the different kinds of estrogen, the beneficial estrogen gets produced when your behaviors, when your relationships are supportive of your different needs. We have needs for happiness. We have needs for connection. We have needs for romance. And we have needs to nurture others. So there’s all these different emotional needs we have. And when you have support, the key thing with estrogen is if you feel I’m not having to do it alone, but I have support. Like nurturing a child is, can be an amazing experience for a woman, more so than for a man, but it can be helpful for a man, but it’s nothing like for a woman. That’s her biology is to nurture a baby. But if she’s alone doing it, it can be a major source of stress. She needs to feel someone is nurturing her so that she can nurture the child. That’s relationship.

And I do get annoyed when I hear this, just heard this in a political speech about, know, the society owns the child. It takes a society to raise a child. Society does not own your children. It’s mom and dad that own those children. And it’s mom and dad that make a child. It takes a husband and a wife to grow a child. It takes a community to support a husband and wife to grow a child. It’s not the community that raises the child.

It takes a man and a woman to do it. In America, 60 % of boys and girls grow up without a father in the home. This is why there’s so much violence. There’s no question at all in anybody’s mind if you look at the cause of the violence, the lack, the amount of divorce, the amount of antidepressants, anxiety drugs and everything. So much due to the absence of mothers and fathers connecting, raising the child in that place.

That’s the problem we’re in today. This is why I continue teaching these ideas.  I’m just doing my best, just constantly putting out how we can have happy marriages and be there for our children. And I take people, even after a woman is convinced or a man is convinced, interesting right now in my practice, I got a man who’s convinced I’m done with this woman. And I’ve got a woman who’s convinced I’m done with this man. I’m turning them around, you know, it’s, they just have to experience that they can get what they need.

And they don’t know what they need and they don’t know how they sabotage getting what they need by their behaviors. You know, if men could just learn how all these little things that can help a woman produce estrogen, if women can learn how she can, how she’s responsible, usually when the woman wants to leave a relationship, she does not know clearly that she’s ruined her relationship. She thinks it’s her partner. It’s never her partner. If you want to leave a relationship, it’s you not knowing how you contributed to the problems. I don’t judge her for that because nobody knows this stuff I’m teaching. If you go to a counselor, you’re already getting divorced. Look at this. What causes divorce is going to counselors in many cases. It’s rarely successful. Counseling is rarely successful. And if you’re going to go to a counselor, it needs to be a counselor who clearly has a successful relationship or is teaching a message from somebody who has a successful relationship. That’s one. And two, it needs to be somebody who clearly understands that men and women are different. Otherwise, you’re going to give the same advice. Imagine you go to a doctor who only understands women and you’ve got a prostate problem, man. You don’t do that. In medical, we know that men and women are extremely different, different symptoms, different remedies, different problems, different. All this stuff is different. And suddenly you go to a counselor who thinks, just we’re all the same. No, we’re not. And more so, you need to have differences because our culture is confusing us. The culture is telling us that we’re all the same. A culture saying you can even decide what you’re going to be today, what you’re going to decide to be tomorrow. Your biology has not changed because you want to think differently. When you think differently, your body goes into stress. what is normal? What they want to do is normalize aberrant behavior. We have something called aberrant behavior. What is aberrant behavior? Non -normal behavior.

What’s not normal? Anything that causes distress in your body is not normal. That’s it, simple thing. Anything that makes you sicker is not normal. Anything that makes your hormones go out of balance giving you pain, it’s not normal. So yes, it would be normal to feel pain if you’re out of balance. So the pain is normal when you’re out of balance. And normal life is a life where you’re not in pain. You’re not gonna get sick. You’re not gonna have premature sickness and all that.

But people want to normalize dysfunction. We’ve got all this dysfunction going on, all this cheating going on, all this polyamory, all of this free sex, all of this. United Nations has a, I’m not gonna go too far here, but people should know that this is an international organization which provides curriculum for schools who get money because they follow the curriculum. So if your school wants to get money, they have to follow the curriculum.

Now what the curriculum says in third grade, their new curriculum on the education, sex education for children in third grade, one of the ways you can love yourself is through masturbation. Now this is, is aberrant behavior. This is long before a child even has sexual feelings. It stimulates sexual feelings. It’s completely inappropriate, throws them off and their whole life will confuse love with sex. It’ll be… tremendous problems for people and we can’t overcome those problems, but this is called molestation incest. Well, we don’t do that. To teach children to masturbate as an act of self -love and don’t feel shame when you do it. Of course you’re going to feel shame anytime you do anything that’s not normal, life supporting for yourself is going to make you feel shame afterwards. Not because culture says don’t do it. Culture for a million years has said don’t do it because it’s not healthy behavior. Okay, so

Jenna
Yeah, that’s crazy.

John Gray
Sometimes people don’t wake up until they go so far out of balance. What we’re seeing now is this porn addiction in young men. It’s resulted in a 20 -year -old, 25 -year -old having 20 % less testosterone than just 20 years ago. And what’s dramatically changed is digital stimulation, particularly sexual digital stimulation. Pornography has always been there, but it’s a big difference between seeing a picture of a woman undressing or something and watching it happen on screen and then going on to free porn videos and there’s 64,000 women you can go from one to another all pretending to your subconscious mind that they want to have sex with you. That makes you an alpha male for eight minutes, actually for just three minutes. For three minutes you’re an alpha male and then you crash. Your testosterone goes way up and it crashes down. It’s the same thing when women get addicted to complaining.

They feel really good complaining, justified and validated, and then they crash again and they get addicted to that process of complaining to get sympathy or complaining to try to get your husband to change. None of that works. And so now you got a competent woman going through menopause after menopause. She’s grown up. She’s some extent goes, I don’t complain anymore. Just do it myself. They figure it out. Complaining doesn’t work. Doing it yourself doesn’t work either. Another biohack is you’re dating a guy.

Don’t date to find the right guy. If you’re searching for the right guy, you’re on your hunt and you’re already successful, confident women, you’re on your male side. So don’t be on a hunt for the ideal man. Only start engaging and dating with the imperfect males who are more interested in you than you’re interested in them. So you’re not trying to please them. No people pleasing. Just give him the opportunity to serve and please you, knowing that that’s the reciprocity.

You know, women are, if I do something for a woman, she wants to do something for me. So if you let a man do something for you, now you feel I should do something for him. No, you don’t have to do something for him. You already did by letting him do for you, gave him a nice boost of testosterone, go on dates with the men who are, put yourself in positions where a man could be interested in you. That’s your job is put yourself in situations where a man could be interested in you and more men will be interested in you the more you processing your emotions, building up your estrogen in your body. You will be softer. You’ll be more attractive to men. Now take, use those men and start practicing dating. The concept here is, if you were to visit my house, you’d say, what a beautiful house, so nice. But if you were to buy my house, you’d hire someone to see everything that’s wrong with the house, right? It has to be praised. And if the plumbing works, everything works.

Jenna
I know, yeah.

John Gray
Now you’re gonna go on a date and you’re thinking you’re looking for the right person. It’s like you’re wanting to buy a house. You’re gonna look at what’s wrong with this house. Well, this is another stress response. So dating is now a stress response where you have a bias towards looking at negativity rather than give up on finding the right person and try having a good time using a man to talk to, to have him do things for you. He says, what would you like to do? Have three things ready always, which are three things you’d like to do and say, would you take me here or here here? Here’s three things I would like to do. Would you like to take me? That again, always comes back to females learning how to ask and just saying that, would you like to take me? And you can pick either one, whatever you like. Let him pick, let him take you, but you have to come up with what would make you happy as opposed to even thinking at all about what would make him happy. The job here is to become more feminine, letting men do things for you.

Jenna
Nice.

John Gray
And then at a certain point, next have another, have another. But your whole thing is to practice being more feminine, which is not giving advice, not arguing, being authentic, but authentic doesn’t mean authentically dysfunctional. So, the people who don’t like Donald Trump, they go, yeah, he’s authentic, but he’s authentically dysfunctional. So that’s opinion, whatever. But at least there’s authenticity there.

Jenna
Yeah.

John Gray
Then somebody coming up with a perfect speech and always saying exactly, you’re talking to a person there and that’s what you have to be. But for dating, you want to be authentically not so dysfunctional, which here’s what dysfunctional look like, is for a woman to give men advice. Anytime you’re giving men advice, it’s dysfunctional. You’re not on a date to give a man advice. You’re not on a date to prove how good you are, how smart you are, how helpful you are, but to create a situation where giving him the opportunity to do nice things for you and for you to have conversations. Don’t expect him to be just like you. Matter fact, it’s the differences that create the attraction, but it’s the virtues and values that keep the relationship going if it’s the right person. But you got to get those hormones flowing and having a man carry your bags, having a man open the door, having a man make a reservation for you, having a man open, pull out your seat, you know, and these, if he doesn’t do it, just say, you know, stand by the car door and say, you know, we’re going on a date. I’m an old fashioned gal. I like to have a guy open the door. And just in the beginning, I like him to come around and open the door for me to get out. Just ask. And then when men do this stuff they’re doing and makes you happy. Boom, their testosterone goes up and they start to bond with you more and you start to bond with them more. And you start having a positive experience of men and men can raise your estrogen in this way. Now, when it comes to how to, on your physical side of your body, to stop the obstacles to making estrogen and testosterone and men, same thing is true. Belly fat. Belly fat just causes more fat. Okay. It’s a machine. Once you have belly fat, produces estrogen. Estrogen then produces, not, not beneficial estrogen. It’s belly fat making the estrogen that causes you to store fat and continuing to store fat. So you just find your metabolism slowing down, storing fat. And there’s a way to raise your metabolism. And that is we have a team that will give you, to help you go through this process so you can lose two and a half inches off your belly fat in one month by eating more. That’s the miracle. There’s there’s a several peer reviewed studies proving this to be true. And major part of the study is, like I have a protein shake, a special shake that has enzymes in it. Okay, so it’s a shake. It’s an undenatured way that means it’s not heat processed. It has enzymes, five different enzymes that break down the protein. Put warm water, you put powder, the warm water, 100 degrees and above, like around 100. It will activate the enzymes to break down the protein so that in 45 minutes, you will have foam. It will foam up because it’s no longer melt, it’s amino acids. You’re getting the best amino acid therapy you could possibly find on the planet. I had Parkinson’s 25 years ago and this is what helped me was amino acid therapy. And I had it injected into my body until I figured out how to get the amino acids out of the protein. Anybody who’s aging, your digestion slows down, you lose your enzymes, you lose your muscle mass, you start gaining weight, you start dieting.

When you diet, you’re eating less food. When you’re eating less food, you crave more food. It’s just a terrible cycle to be in. So what you want to do is you flood your body for five days with every four hours, you have four to five hours, you have a protein shake. You can also have two meals a day if you want, or if you’re not hungry, you won’t be able to eat much. But what you’re getting is this protein, which is… broken down into amino acids that make your brain chemicals, to make your body work, to rebuild your body, they rebuild your muscles. They found that even without exercise, muscle mass increased on this program and people only lost fat. So you lose fat and the fat just turns into carbon dioxide. It doesn’t go out your bowel, by the way. As you burn fat and it just like you boil water, it turns to gas. Well, when you cook up, you use fat for energy, it turns to carbon dioxide and you just breathe it out. So where does your fat go? You breathe it out. Now this is beyond, I tell you, this is so outrageous because Google search, where does the fat go? You’ll find it turns the carbon dioxide goes out of your body. So I found that good walking, of course, even though his studies have shown without any exercise, this will happen. But I think walking is one of the most important things for us as we get older, for menopause, to have lessen those symptoms, to lower the stress in your body.

Because if you’re running, you’re creating stress. If you’re lifting weights, you’re creating stress. Even though people know lifting weights is great, here’s another way to build the muscle mass to return the metabolism of a young person to your body. So it’s magic. And if people want to learn more about that, you can read the book by Dr. Arciero called Protein Pacing. You want to follow the program he has. He uses a specific shake in a program where you eat five days on and two days where you have protein drinks. Although this is a protein drink too, it’s just you don’t have meals on those two days. But you don’t get hungry. You’re never hungry on this diet. I mean, it’s the most amazing thing because you’re packing your body with amino acids. And you know, normally it would not be healthy to eat that much protein, but because you’re breaking it down into amino acids, it’s perfect for you. When you have normal shakes or steak or eggs, when you break it down, you’re… you’re only getting 20 % of the amino acids. You incubate it in the way I’ve just described, you get 95 % of the amino acids. This is amazing. It put any burden on your body. Protein always has toxic byproducts. You don’t have that when you process it beforehand. Anyway, this is so much hope for anybody. Everybody, as you’re getting older, you get this extra weight you’re carrying around. To be able to a month, to have that go off by eating more. And let’s say you wanna take in more, you just follow the program until you get to your stable state, your ideal state for you. Then you do it one more month and you can pretty much have really good eating habits and keep it off. I’ve been testing it and see that I can go to really bad habits just when you’re traveling, you you don’t get really good foods and I can’t make the shakes when I’m traveling. I gain a pound a day just eating the junk food out there. And I can lose it when I come home a pound a day right off, right off, right off. It’s amazing what our body is capable of doing when you restore your metabolism. So this is, that’s what they say on the cruises. On the cruises they say, don’t worry. You can eat as much as you like and you can only gain one pound a day. But how to get off those 10 pounds is not so easy. Well, here’s a way to get it off by using protein pacing. And we’re happy to help people with this. And it’s at the end of my website, MarsVenus.com, at the bottom, it just says, us. Say you’re interested in the program. And I have my, one of my partners in this approach you and talk to you and explain to you the products that Dr. Arciero used. I don’t know if he mentions that in his book, but he just explains how protein is the answer. It’s amazing. So you’ve got that.

Jenna
What’s the name of the book again?

John Gray
It’s called protein pacing. And his name is Dr. Arciero. So if you do a Google search protein pacing, Dr. Arciero, you can read about it. And if you want our help to help you through the program, there’s a few extra things you need to do. tell you about, he’ll write it out in the book too. Go to contact us. It’s at the bottom of the page. know, every website has a contact us. It’s not like a big feature on our website, but the website is all for just relationship skills and so forth. And if you do have mood swings that go up and down, which can be part of menopause, there’s one product I still recommend.

I used to have 40 products on my website because other people do a better job just focusing on alternative wellness and whatever. I just say go there. But there’s one product nobody else promotes. So I keep it on my website. It’s at the top of page one and I’ll let you go there. You’ll just see it’s called Elemental Orotates. It’s just a little bottle at the top. One for men, one for women. If you click there, you can read all about it. But if you have ups and downs, which most people in menopause do, it’s so… so good for the create calmness in your life without suppressing anything. So that’s another tool that people have available to them.

Jenna
Beautiful. Thank you so much. I know that you are tight for time and you go from, you’ve got to go to your next interview, but we so appreciate you visiting us again and spending time sharing your incredible wisdom.

John Gray
Thank you. It’s a real pleasure to be with you.